If she lived in Chicago. And she had her lady friends over instead of her bevvy of gays. And she were a dude.
I would be the ShoeClad Count.
Here is how the episode would have played out:
Cue Intro Music. Close up on Scott.
I just got a last minute deal on a flight to Chicago. My friend Amy is hosting my visit, and in return I'm going to make a light summer supper for her and her friends. It's a backyard gathering with old friends, ShoeClad style.
Cut to Opening Theme Music and Food Montage. There's a knife slicing through a fennel bulb. There's Scott passing a platter of vittles and laughing. Berries are tumbling into a colander. Scott is blending soup. Mmmm...look at that yummy salad. Scott and J plop down on the couch with ice cream. Uh-oh, here comes Buster Dog. They laugh. Fade to Logo.
My dear friend Amy was kind enough to open her home to me at the last minute, so to thank her I thought it would be great to have a couple of friends over for wine and cheese and an elegant backyard supper. Most lesbians are vegetarians, feeding on twigs, berries, pumpkin soup, and salsa. Fortunately, these gals are pescaterians and love seafood, and I thought, "Why not do scallops with grapefruit and fennel." And that's exactly what I'm going to make.
First I want to start by making the salad. Grapefruit and fennel are a perfect combination: the tartness of the grapefruit mixes deliciously with the sweet, anise taste of the fennel. Slice the fennel...(and the ShoeClad Count assemble the delicious salad filled with grapefruit, fennel, julienne yellow peppers, honey and tarragon)
The salad is all set to go. You know, since dinner is going to be so light, let's start off with a cheese plate to enjoy with some wine. I'll call Amy to see if she can pick up some cheese.
Cut to Amy standing on front porch. Her cell phone rings.
A: Hey Scott! (trying to not look at the camera) I'm just about to walk in the door.
S: Well turn back around. I thought a cheese plate would be fantastic way to start things off tonight.
A: But I'm about to walk in the house.
S: I was thinking two firm cheeses and one blue.
A: Well, I've been running around all day, and I would really like to...
S: And maybe some olives, grapes, and almonds to go along with it.
A: But...
S: And some crusty bread. Thanks!
Cut back to Scott
Scallops are actually a mollusk, and you won't believe how absolutely easy they are to prepare. Once seared they take on a beautiful caramel color and are firm and sweet and perfectly delicious. Let me show you how I do it.
Cut to Scallop montage and voice over. Perfectly manicured hands patting dry scallops. Close up on same manicured hands sprinkling salt and pepper on scallops. Close up on scallops entering a hot, dry pan. Pretty hands using tongs to flip scallops. Same lovely hands placing scallops atop a beautiful mound of Grapefruit and Fennel salad.
Now that looks like a simple supper that even the most finicky of lesbians would love.
Cut to Friend's Eating Montage, in a beautifully appointed backyard on a gorgeous summer night. Prosecco is popped. We over hear bits of conversation.
"These cheeses are delicious."
"Oh, Scott. The scallops are perfectly cooked! So bright and clean..."
"Heather, with your hair like that, you look like a whore from a Bible movie epic."
A beautiful late night summer supper with friends. How bad can that be.
Closing music and Fade to Black.
Disclaimer
Please know that this is merely satire and that I kneel at the altar of Ina Garten. I would eat anything and everything that woman makes, and my biggest wish is to live in her barn and bake scones with her all day long.
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